Keep the Teacher, Disintermediate the Ego & Superego
The other day I had an insight into an experience that happened 43 years ago. That experience rocked my world and set my feet on a journey that has yet to end – but, is no longer dominated by going, getting or becoming. I used to think of that experience as my first “spiritual experience.”
I was 19 and hanging out with a bunch of my college friends. I asked a simple question, received a simple reply, and the strangest thing happened… I felt a thick substance descend into my body from the top of my head. When it reached my shoulders a feeling of “welcome home” flooded me… I felt comfort, acceptance and peace. When the substance reached my heart, it felt a single point penetrated my heart. The sensation was ecstatically painful. A radiance flooded out of that point. The experience turned on a dime as something in me set out in search of itself…
And that is where I see that things went askew… as I now see how my separate self, ego-self, normal self/mind reacted to that experience, immediately engaged it and enmeshed itself in a life-long journey and search. I wonder what would be different if a teacher had been present – one who knew of essence and the point of existence. How would my journey have unfolded if in that moment of time I had the wisdom and support to simply settle into the immediacy of that experience instead of picking up the “flame of the search,” I might have simply recognized then that there is no where to go. The experience was a revelation about what is here, always here – mostly hidden by our beliefs, ignorance, assumptions… what the heck, I was 19 – it was a blessing just as it was/is.
The capacity to not follow thoughts, impulses and feelings, but to rather stay in the immediacy of the experience with no predisposition to “getting” anything from it – seems to be more of what is happening as I sit. More and more revolves around relaxing – allowing the body to relax, feeling the psychic structures and allowing them to relax… relaxed awareness in the now – no journey, nowhere to go. There’s interest, but not in being able to describe or understand my experience – most of that is driven by the past – thank you very much superego, your love and protection is no longer required.
Don’t disintermediate the teacher, disintermediate the separating boundary – be with immediacy. What happens then?